Keurig’s decision to release a coffeemaker that won’t brew “unlicensed” coffee is the most spectacular corporate blunder we’ve seen in some time. After their CEO let slip that the company is working on a coffee bot that won’t accept off-brand K-cups, the internet exploded in a hot ball of righteous fury. And Keurig’s parent company Green Mountain Coffee rode the wave of public vitriol with all the grace of a warthog riding a surfboard.

After trying to respond to angry tweets individually on Twitter, Green Mountain apparently decided they needed more than 140 characters to stem the tide of bad press. So, they issued a bullshit-riddled statement:

“To make brewing a carafe possible, and to continue to deliver everything Keurig lovers already enjoy – high-quality beverages, simplicity, and variety – our new Keurig 2.0 system will feature specially designed interactive technology allowing the brewer to read information about the inserted Keurig pack. With this interactive capability, Keurig 2.0 brewers will “know” the optimal settings for the inserted Keurig pack, for a perfect beverage every time, whether a single cup or a carafe. It’s critical for performance and safety reasons that our new system includes this technology. For those of you who currently own our K-Cup or Vue systems today, we are so happy to have you as part of our family. Rest assured that your brewers will still function as they always have and that your favorite beverages will still be available.”

Call off the dogs, Internet. And cancel the Coffee Unlocking Bill, Congress! Keurig is just trying to keep us safe from all those coffee-related injuries that plague kitchens and break rooms across America. And here we all thought that DRM coffee was just some self-serving ploy to force customers valued members of the Keurig family into buying more expensive coffee. Our mistake.

Writer, blogger, and repair advocate at iFixit.com

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